Jokes
A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were
young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would
meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many
televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it
was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the
restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet
for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
they had never been there before.
Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up...................
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
Life and Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made contact,
‘Connie....Connie.’
‘Is that you, Joe?’
‘Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.’
‘That’s wonderful! What’s it like?’
‘Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud, lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
‘Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!’
‘Not exactly ... I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.’
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland RiceGolf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. ~John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner DickinsonIf a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown
My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top. ~Pete DyeI'm hitting the woods just great - but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The following is forwarded not to offend baseball, basketball, football or hockey fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
These truisms may shed light:
Golf is an honourable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honourable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
Finally, here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.
Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
Now you know
The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask MenHere are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men. 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady.... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn’t," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. " Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That’s not what I’m laughing at," he replied, "I’m a toilet paper sales man, so I’m still a hole behind you!"
The laws of golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Religious battle golf The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Ten years on a deserted island A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Golfing with an older man A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Slow golfers are ahead of us Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fucked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
From the Driving Range
All PGA members may want to pick up a copy of this book.
The title is "How to Line up Your Fourth Putt" by BOBBY RUSHER.
Here are some of the more notable chapters:
A. How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the
tee.
B. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
C. How to get more distance out of a shank.
D. Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
E. Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.
F. Crying and how to handle it.
G. How to rationalize a 7 hour round.
H. How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
I. Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.
J. How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting
embarrassed.
K. How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
L. When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.
M. God and the meaning of the double bogey.
BOBBY is now working on the book's sequel, "When to Re-grip Your Ball
Retriever"
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick and Colon...need I say more?"
--- Chris Rock
"There are more important things in life than money - but they won’t go out with you if you’re broke."—Unknown
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him." "Hi George. say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them. ":The engineer said, "Why can’t these guys play at night?"
AP) Police are warning all Male Party-goers, night-clubbers and unsuspecting pub-regulars to keep alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any women.
A new date-rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost everywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After being given the drug: "beer", Men will often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times, these unfortunate men were stung for there life's worth in a familiar scam know as a "relationship". Apparently men are easier victims for this scam after "beer" is administered and have previously been sexually approached.
Please forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are "male support groups" with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter. For the location of the nearest "male support-group", look in the yellow pages under: "golf courses".
Little Known Fact.
BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As things were stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were al ways stamped with the term “Ship High In Transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T,” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
MATH TEST FOR ALL GOLFERS
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you
would like to play golf. (Try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1752. If you haven't, add 1751.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three-digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number: (i.e., how many times you want to play golf each week)
The next two numbers are...........YOUR AGE!
-Submitted by ????
THE THE REAL, TRUE AND UN-EXAGGERATED RULES OF GOLF
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.
26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently, he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW BALL."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
On a
golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the island. The attendant at the station greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything.
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes," replied
the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. For years every Saturday morning, he has an early tee time, gets up very early and golfs all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. There's a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there golfing?"
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
HER SIDE OF THE STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow-going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so that we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but it didn't work. Was it me, or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said, "no". But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I told him I loved him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what that meant because, you know, he doesn't say back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know...I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Played like sh_t today - shot 83 - can't putt.
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
* * *
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It still could be; it's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Well, caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
A bum asked a man on the street for $2.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies: "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies: "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
Once again the bum replies: "No, I don't play golf."
Then the man asks: "Will you come home with me so my wife can see
what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?"
The madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money and the two went up to the room. An hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia.”
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family living there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.”
Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.
-Submitted by Blair Murdoch
Women In Golf…
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said: "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?"
They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said: "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said: "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her: "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said: "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked: "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said: "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
-Submitted by John Mills
Pre-shot routine
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Tor Hill golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the women's tee back-up to the men's tee please?”
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption,again the announcement: “Would the MAN on the WOMEN's tee kindly back up to the men's tee?”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
“Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE?”
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back:
“Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!!”
-Submitted by Paul Carson
Lawyers
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
locker room in the police station - a room where you change your
clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room
you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room
* * *
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.
You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.
They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their butt
are interchangeable."
-Submitted by Dave Rice
Women Golfers
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
-Submitted by Paul Carson
Could This Happen in the PGA?
Nancy Bachand got an assist and a cheque for $150 when Todd Obuchowski scored his first hole-in-one. Obuchowski sculled his tee shot on the 116-yard, par 3 fourth hole at Beaver Brook Golf Course in Massachusetts.
The ball hit Bachand's passing Toyota, ricocheting off the passenger's door, and rolled onto the green and into the cup. Eight players witnessed the "feat." Obuchowski gratefully paid for repairs to the damaged
vehicle...and bought a round for the boys, of course.
-Submitted by Bob Dunn
Splendour In The Grass
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she none the less complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling,I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf !"
-Submitted by Paul Carson
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
-Submitted by Kent Gilchrist
The Irish Golfer And The Leprechaun
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
-Submitted by Bob Dunn
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