2017 PGA Season
Burns Captures 2017 Green Jacket
After 23 years of trying Dick Burns finally gets his solo name on the Highly Coveted Green Jacket. Not only did Burns win the Green Jacket, he dominated what turned out to be a mediocre field winning by margin of 32 total strokes. He did not back into the winner’s circle, as his final round net 65 was an exclamation point to the year when he also won the final Calcutta event. Burns credited his victory to the absence of Tip Top Borland who was out for the entire season and an off year for Madman Madsen. This combined with total mediocrity from the rest of the field were the reasons why Burns was able to fare so well.
Stone Hands Mason showed early signs of great improvement but he faded badly in the stretch. More off season conditioning is in store for the Stone Man. Spaceman Alexander also came on very strong as the season went along but his dreadful putting stroke eventually let him down. JR Leigh showed tremendous improvement over the previous season but eventually his early season withdrawn from the tour was his demise. Last year’s winner, Madman Madsen, was let down by a slow start and some inconsistent attendance.
Burns is now considering retirement as one of his life goals has finally been achieved.
The Calcutta
On a scorching Saturday afternoon at Northlands the big money Calcutta was a closely fought dual of mediocrity between two teams. Eventually, Mr Coffee’s team was able to defeat the team from outer space by 1 measly stroke. Richard Ostereicher’s Mr Coffee team lead by the annoying Onstar Burns and a timely, steady round from the team leader was able to support the dreadful pair of Pudd Pound and Fuckknuckle Goulding who were able to each scrape together 6 mediocre holes to enable Mr Coffee’s team to post a net -19. The team from outer space, lead by the Spaceman himself and an outstanding round from the Scoring Nazi were next in line with a net -18. The Raison and Mr Bean must have been totally dreadful to throw away sure victory as Spaceman’s net 69 and Stretch’s net 68 were two of the better rounds of the day. The difference had to be the captains.
Third place, and recovering their investment, was the team of long shots and unknowns lead by Bruno Harley Davidson. Spare, Dro Overgaard lead that team with a fine net 68. With Dro’s 68 and JMac's 71 and Captain Bruno with a net 74, they were able to overcome Baby Reed Ponak’s dreadful 82. Again, fine captainship kept this team in the money with a net -15.
Killeen’s Dream Team, with Gentleman Frank Cochrane, Stonehands Mason and Madman Madsen, turned out to be a nightmare with a net -9. And Ace Brown’s team of Knuckles without the fuck Garries, Randy Raz Herd and Flintstone Walters were suffering from heat stroke and too many birthdays as they also were well back with a net -10.
Many thanks to the final two teams for contributing their funds to the top two deserving teams. But the mediocrity of the play of the season was epitomized by the poor scores on the final day. Last year’s winner’s shot a fine -27.
Individual Winners
Low net on the day went to Highly Coveted Green Jacket winner Dick Burns whose net 65 on his home course sent him to the prize basket. Following closely behind with net 68’s were Dro Overgaard, who will shortly be added to the world of the retired, and Stretch Grundy. Grundy made a spectacular recovery from his weekend rounds on the Tripper Cup. Obviously he was more accustomed to the heat after his stay in the desert. Right behind those stellar rounds was Spaceman Alexander’s net 69. Just imagine what he could have shot if he didn’t have 40 putts on his round.
KP’s went to JMac on hole #8 and Flinstone Walters on hole #16.
In The Rough
Both Mr Coffee Ostereicher and Knuckles Garries were sporting new drivers on the day as both of their drivers suffered “mishaps” on the previous weekend.
Pudd Pound's round was so dreadful he was last seen fleeing the course after 15 holes. His team carried on to victory without him. However, Pudd was made to feel OK before he left as Fuckknuckle Goulding's round was even worse. There is a sensitive side to the Mumbler.
This was undoubtably the worst year ever as far as attendance was concerned with not one event having all our members present. However, you pay your money and don’t complain so WTF.
Only three perfect attendees this year and they should be acknowledged for their commitment: Stonehands Mason, Ace Brown and Bruno Davidson. Congratulations, you get a gold star and a mention here. But we need commitment from others like we have from you. We give everybody months of warning.
Tip Top Borland was not able to make one event this season and he still did the game day sheets and he showed up at the BBQ. I’m not sure how much money he recovered but it wasn’t nearly what he contributed and he didn’t complain a bit. Thanks, Dale for your input and commitment.
In The Year of The Spare, many thanks to all the spares who filled in for us. I hope most of you can see what a good group this is and I hope you enjoyed yourself, too. I will keep you on my list and maybe even see you as future members.
Many, many thanks to the Gouldings for hosting the yearend BBQ and getting us back on track with that event. It was another outstanding evening and a fitting conclusion to our season. Thanks everyone for bringing something to the dinner. It was excellent. Paul and JMac and his wife Jeannie need to be acknowledged especially for all their help with organizing and cooking at the BBQ.
Finally, hats off to our leadership group, Larry Brown, Paul Killeen, Vic Grundy, Bob Garries, Dale Borland, Steve Cain and me for all the hard work that goes on behind the scenes. When everyone does a little a lot can be accomplished. We try to make it as stress free as possible for everyone and all most of us have to do is show up at each event and have a few laughs - oh, and golf, too. Hope to see all of you again next year.
After 23 years of trying Dick Burns finally gets his solo name on the Highly Coveted Green Jacket. Not only did Burns win the Green Jacket, he dominated what turned out to be a mediocre field winning by margin of 32 total strokes. He did not back into the winner’s circle, as his final round net 65 was an exclamation point to the year when he also won the final Calcutta event. Burns credited his victory to the absence of Tip Top Borland who was out for the entire season and an off year for Madman Madsen. This combined with total mediocrity from the rest of the field were the reasons why Burns was able to fare so well.
Stone Hands Mason showed early signs of great improvement but he faded badly in the stretch. More off season conditioning is in store for the Stone Man. Spaceman Alexander also came on very strong as the season went along but his dreadful putting stroke eventually let him down. JR Leigh showed tremendous improvement over the previous season but eventually his early season withdrawn from the tour was his demise. Last year’s winner, Madman Madsen, was let down by a slow start and some inconsistent attendance.
Burns is now considering retirement as one of his life goals has finally been achieved.
The Calcutta
On a scorching Saturday afternoon at Northlands the big money Calcutta was a closely fought dual of mediocrity between two teams. Eventually, Mr Coffee’s team was able to defeat the team from outer space by 1 measly stroke. Richard Ostereicher’s Mr Coffee team lead by the annoying Onstar Burns and a timely, steady round from the team leader was able to support the dreadful pair of Pudd Pound and Fuckknuckle Goulding who were able to each scrape together 6 mediocre holes to enable Mr Coffee’s team to post a net -19. The team from outer space, lead by the Spaceman himself and an outstanding round from the Scoring Nazi were next in line with a net -18. The Raison and Mr Bean must have been totally dreadful to throw away sure victory as Spaceman’s net 69 and Stretch’s net 68 were two of the better rounds of the day. The difference had to be the captains.
Third place, and recovering their investment, was the team of long shots and unknowns lead by Bruno Harley Davidson. Spare, Dro Overgaard lead that team with a fine net 68. With Dro’s 68 and JMac's 71 and Captain Bruno with a net 74, they were able to overcome Baby Reed Ponak’s dreadful 82. Again, fine captainship kept this team in the money with a net -15.
Killeen’s Dream Team, with Gentleman Frank Cochrane, Stonehands Mason and Madman Madsen, turned out to be a nightmare with a net -9. And Ace Brown’s team of Knuckles without the fuck Garries, Randy Raz Herd and Flintstone Walters were suffering from heat stroke and too many birthdays as they also were well back with a net -10.
Many thanks to the final two teams for contributing their funds to the top two deserving teams. But the mediocrity of the play of the season was epitomized by the poor scores on the final day. Last year’s winner’s shot a fine -27.
Individual Winners
Low net on the day went to Highly Coveted Green Jacket winner Dick Burns whose net 65 on his home course sent him to the prize basket. Following closely behind with net 68’s were Dro Overgaard, who will shortly be added to the world of the retired, and Stretch Grundy. Grundy made a spectacular recovery from his weekend rounds on the Tripper Cup. Obviously he was more accustomed to the heat after his stay in the desert. Right behind those stellar rounds was Spaceman Alexander’s net 69. Just imagine what he could have shot if he didn’t have 40 putts on his round.
KP’s went to JMac on hole #8 and Flinstone Walters on hole #16.
In The Rough
Both Mr Coffee Ostereicher and Knuckles Garries were sporting new drivers on the day as both of their drivers suffered “mishaps” on the previous weekend.
Pudd Pound's round was so dreadful he was last seen fleeing the course after 15 holes. His team carried on to victory without him. However, Pudd was made to feel OK before he left as Fuckknuckle Goulding's round was even worse. There is a sensitive side to the Mumbler.
This was undoubtably the worst year ever as far as attendance was concerned with not one event having all our members present. However, you pay your money and don’t complain so WTF.
Only three perfect attendees this year and they should be acknowledged for their commitment: Stonehands Mason, Ace Brown and Bruno Davidson. Congratulations, you get a gold star and a mention here. But we need commitment from others like we have from you. We give everybody months of warning.
Tip Top Borland was not able to make one event this season and he still did the game day sheets and he showed up at the BBQ. I’m not sure how much money he recovered but it wasn’t nearly what he contributed and he didn’t complain a bit. Thanks, Dale for your input and commitment.
In The Year of The Spare, many thanks to all the spares who filled in for us. I hope most of you can see what a good group this is and I hope you enjoyed yourself, too. I will keep you on my list and maybe even see you as future members.
Many, many thanks to the Gouldings for hosting the yearend BBQ and getting us back on track with that event. It was another outstanding evening and a fitting conclusion to our season. Thanks everyone for bringing something to the dinner. It was excellent. Paul and JMac and his wife Jeannie need to be acknowledged especially for all their help with organizing and cooking at the BBQ.
Finally, hats off to our leadership group, Larry Brown, Paul Killeen, Vic Grundy, Bob Garries, Dale Borland, Steve Cain and me for all the hard work that goes on behind the scenes. When everyone does a little a lot can be accomplished. We try to make it as stress free as possible for everyone and all most of us have to do is show up at each event and have a few laughs - oh, and golf, too. Hope to see all of you again next year.
Tripper Cup - 2017 Rivershore
Brown’s Boys Batter Madsen’s Men
This year’s Tripper Cup featuring the Men vs the Boys was played at mostly sunny and completely dry Rivershore Golf Course outside Kamloops was easily won by Captain Larry “Ace” Brown’s steady team performance.
On Day 1 Brown’s Boys were lead by guest JMac Mackenzie who posted the day’s best round with a fine net 71. He was closely followed by Bruno Davidson with a net 72 then Knuckles Garries and Bonehead Burns added in net 73’s . The best that Madsen’s Men could muster were a pair of net 74’s from Mountain Lyon and Spaceman Alexander. Final score after Day 1 was Brown’s Boys 10.5 and Madsen’s Men 4.5. The route was on!
Day 2, however, started with lots of points on the table with 30 of them still available. Madsen’s Men were capable but they would need a total team effort. That effort began with dinner the night before where Player and Alexander tried to ply their opponents with copious quantities of liquor. Player added in an additional strategy by heading off to bed early while Burns, Sherk and the highly practiced drinker, Spaceman carried on in the bar preparing for next morning’s duel. The Spaceman proved his worth the next day by shooting the low net round of 69 but Burns proved his equal in the drinking club by also shooting a net 69 on the day. Burns’ net 69 was even too much for the very capable and highly rested Beerhead Player who shot a fine net 72 on Sunday but still lost 3-0 to the wily Burns. Madsen’s Men were much better on the Sunday but the cagey, veteran Captain Brown had the partnerships paired correctly. Even though Madsen’s Men were lead by Alexander’s net 69, Lyons’s net 74 and Player’s fine 72, they were no match for Brown’s Boys losing the matches on the day 19.5 - 10.5. Brown’s captaincy was on fine display. His Men were lead by Burns’ net 69 followed by Bruno Davidson and Richard O with excellent 72’s and TB Sherk hot in support with an excellent net 73. The matchups were the difference. Moral of the story - drinking and extra sleep have no impact on the outcome!
Final score after two days of competition was Brown’s Boys 30, Madsen’s Men 15. The Boys truly ruled over the Men!
KP’s
In the games of true golfing acumen, the KP’s, those who rose to the surface were Knuckle s Garries on hole 7 and JMac Mackenzie on hole 11 on Day 1. The same two holes were used on Day 2 since the other par 3’s were too hard. Day 2 winners were Burns on #7 and Player on #11 where once again the two winners were in the last group to play the hole. Amazing how that happens!
Low Nets
The first Day’s low net went to JMac Mackenzie whose excellent 71 for the day showed that familiarity with the course has no impact on his game. He was closely followed by Bruno Davidson whose yearend steady play was demonstrated once again. If only his gold season began in June. His second place finish was closely followed by Knuckle’s Garries fine 73 who declared ”I found it!” and his score demonstrated he had.
On the second day, the two late stayers in the bar were the early risers to the tee. Spaceman Alexander’s excellent 69 showed that he truly does operate outside his body. However, the tough physical strain from the night before and the tough mental strain of playing against Beerhead Player brought out the very best in Onstar Burns as he too shot a fine 69 on the second day.
In the Rough
Larry Brown’s performance at the dinner on Saturday night proved to be the highlight of the weekend. The room was noisy and filled with laughter. Everyone was rewarded with a highly coveted Callaway shoehorn and Larry was rewarded with any prize from the top shelf.
It’s a death knoll for the hosts when they can’t get the bill right two years in a row and the clients are an excessive number of accountants. Even though the accommodations were great and the location excellent, thumbs down on the billing.
Once again, kudos to Killer Killeen for his outstanding organizational job for the weekend! All the rest of us had to do was show up and pay our bills. The most challenging task for the masses was choosing a wine from the wine list. Aside from the one grumpy outburst at The Dunes, Killeen’s efforts were massive. Kudos to Paul!
Did anyone notice that Richard O had to play without a driver on day one as he forgot to strap his golf bag onto his cart and the bag fell off, snapping his driver in two. Day two proved that his driver was the problem as his net 72 playing with a golf shop demo showed that his original driver had to go!
Knuckles Garries was another one to suffer a driver mishap. On day two his “I found it” game was lost again and his driver suffered the consequences. The misbehaving driver suffered the ultimate demise and was strangled into smaller bits. Knucke’s bag is somewhat lighter now but he feels much better.
Finally, many thanks to Scott Swan and John Mackenzie for filling in on the trip. Who knew that Player and Killeen could have such good friends. Hope you had fun and we all really appreciated your involvement. Swan was wise enough to stay away from the prize table so he may get a return invitation.
Brown’s Boys Batter Madsen’s Men
This year’s Tripper Cup featuring the Men vs the Boys was played at mostly sunny and completely dry Rivershore Golf Course outside Kamloops was easily won by Captain Larry “Ace” Brown’s steady team performance.
On Day 1 Brown’s Boys were lead by guest JMac Mackenzie who posted the day’s best round with a fine net 71. He was closely followed by Bruno Davidson with a net 72 then Knuckles Garries and Bonehead Burns added in net 73’s . The best that Madsen’s Men could muster were a pair of net 74’s from Mountain Lyon and Spaceman Alexander. Final score after Day 1 was Brown’s Boys 10.5 and Madsen’s Men 4.5. The route was on!
Day 2, however, started with lots of points on the table with 30 of them still available. Madsen’s Men were capable but they would need a total team effort. That effort began with dinner the night before where Player and Alexander tried to ply their opponents with copious quantities of liquor. Player added in an additional strategy by heading off to bed early while Burns, Sherk and the highly practiced drinker, Spaceman carried on in the bar preparing for next morning’s duel. The Spaceman proved his worth the next day by shooting the low net round of 69 but Burns proved his equal in the drinking club by also shooting a net 69 on the day. Burns’ net 69 was even too much for the very capable and highly rested Beerhead Player who shot a fine net 72 on Sunday but still lost 3-0 to the wily Burns. Madsen’s Men were much better on the Sunday but the cagey, veteran Captain Brown had the partnerships paired correctly. Even though Madsen’s Men were lead by Alexander’s net 69, Lyons’s net 74 and Player’s fine 72, they were no match for Brown’s Boys losing the matches on the day 19.5 - 10.5. Brown’s captaincy was on fine display. His Men were lead by Burns’ net 69 followed by Bruno Davidson and Richard O with excellent 72’s and TB Sherk hot in support with an excellent net 73. The matchups were the difference. Moral of the story - drinking and extra sleep have no impact on the outcome!
Final score after two days of competition was Brown’s Boys 30, Madsen’s Men 15. The Boys truly ruled over the Men!
KP’s
In the games of true golfing acumen, the KP’s, those who rose to the surface were Knuckle s Garries on hole 7 and JMac Mackenzie on hole 11 on Day 1. The same two holes were used on Day 2 since the other par 3’s were too hard. Day 2 winners were Burns on #7 and Player on #11 where once again the two winners were in the last group to play the hole. Amazing how that happens!
Low Nets
The first Day’s low net went to JMac Mackenzie whose excellent 71 for the day showed that familiarity with the course has no impact on his game. He was closely followed by Bruno Davidson whose yearend steady play was demonstrated once again. If only his gold season began in June. His second place finish was closely followed by Knuckle’s Garries fine 73 who declared ”I found it!” and his score demonstrated he had.
On the second day, the two late stayers in the bar were the early risers to the tee. Spaceman Alexander’s excellent 69 showed that he truly does operate outside his body. However, the tough physical strain from the night before and the tough mental strain of playing against Beerhead Player brought out the very best in Onstar Burns as he too shot a fine 69 on the second day.
In the Rough
Larry Brown’s performance at the dinner on Saturday night proved to be the highlight of the weekend. The room was noisy and filled with laughter. Everyone was rewarded with a highly coveted Callaway shoehorn and Larry was rewarded with any prize from the top shelf.
It’s a death knoll for the hosts when they can’t get the bill right two years in a row and the clients are an excessive number of accountants. Even though the accommodations were great and the location excellent, thumbs down on the billing.
Once again, kudos to Killer Killeen for his outstanding organizational job for the weekend! All the rest of us had to do was show up and pay our bills. The most challenging task for the masses was choosing a wine from the wine list. Aside from the one grumpy outburst at The Dunes, Killeen’s efforts were massive. Kudos to Paul!
Did anyone notice that Richard O had to play without a driver on day one as he forgot to strap his golf bag onto his cart and the bag fell off, snapping his driver in two. Day two proved that his driver was the problem as his net 72 playing with a golf shop demo showed that his original driver had to go!
Knuckles Garries was another one to suffer a driver mishap. On day two his “I found it” game was lost again and his driver suffered the consequences. The misbehaving driver suffered the ultimate demise and was strangled into smaller bits. Knucke’s bag is somewhat lighter now but he feels much better.
Finally, many thanks to Scott Swan and John Mackenzie for filling in on the trip. Who knew that Player and Killeen could have such good friends. Hope you had fun and we all really appreciated your involvement. Swan was wise enough to stay away from the prize table so he may get a return invitation.
Squamish - June 10, 2017
Gentlemen,
Before I get to the details of the Tripper Cup, I would like to congratulate the winners of last week's event at Squamish which I understand turned out to be a very good day for golf. Unfortunately, most of us did not get to experience the good weather for golf. This may have been the second time I have missed an event or perhaps the very first time. I was busy ingraining my very shitty golf swing in the Okanogan. The list of other missing members is far too long to mention.
Congratulations to Bruce "Harley" Davidson whose sandbagging 19 handicap is starting to pay off. His stellar net 66 far outdistanced the rest of you reprobates. Was he playing from the same tees? "Raison" Cain and the ever steady "Stone Hands" Mason were next to show at a distant 71 which is still very good play in this group. With two of the top three nets in the group, the accounting firm of Cain, Davidson, and Alexander easily won the team match of the day. Apparently, some of Doug Player's golden horse luck has rubbed off on Alexander as he was able to cash in on the prize table. Steady Eddie Giovanella cashed in on the lack of talent in the rest of the field and took home the two KP prizes for the day. Shouldn't be hard to get him to spare again. And finally, the highly anticipated return of Tip Top Borland was delayed for another week as his back is still having difficulty settling down - too much practice or too much sex?
Tripper Cup - 2017 South Thompson Inn
The Men vs The Boys
The two teams for our annual Tripper Cup have been created by attempting to equalize handicaps for both teams. Taking the most recent list of handicaps as supplied by our scoring genius, Vic Grundy, the top handicap player and the bottom handicap player were placed on the same team. The second top handicap player and the second bottom handicap player were placed on the second team. The third top and third bottom were placed on the first team and fourth top and fourth bottom on team 2, etc. Hopefully, this has created two semi-equal teams. Team captains were randomly selected by me.
Madsen’s Mostly Merry Men
Madsen
Alexander
Goulding
Grundy
Herd
Killeen
Lyon
Player
Swan
Volpatti
Brown’s Bery Bad Boys
Brown
Borland
Burns
Cain
Davidson
Garries
Mason
Ostereicher
Sherk
Walters
The Rules
Day One is team format: best ball foursomes with 2 pts available on each hole. Best
ball vs best ball and 2nd best vs 2nd best. 1 point awarded for winning front 9, 1
point awarded for the back and one for the match. Thus 3 points for each foursome.
Day Two is individual match play with same format: 1 pt for front, 1 for back and 1
for match thus 6 points are available in each foursome.
*Remember to play out each hole regardless of the score or situation on that hole as individual prizes are awarded and individual scores count towards the Green Jacket. No Gimmees!
Foursomes for each day will be determined by the captains and their assistants.
The Captains and teams will meet at 7pm on Friday night in the lounge at the STI to select the teams and order in which they go out. A coin will be tossed to determine which team declares its first partnership then the second team will declare that matchup. The order of declaration is reversed for each subsequent round. 15 points are available on Day One.
The captains and assistants will meet again after the round of Day One and determine the matchups for Day Two. This time the captain of the team that is leading at the end of day one declares his first player out and the captain of the trailing team responds with his player. The order of first declaration is alternated thereafter. This time captains need to think about, not only the matchups, but also the cart pairings. 30 points are available on Day Two.
Once again, TB Sherk has donated trophies to each of the members of the winning Tripper Cup team and a week’s stay at his luxurious spot on Shuswap Lake. (Just kidding about that one.) Here’s to you TB!
See you in Kamloops!
Gentlemen,
Before I get to the details of the Tripper Cup, I would like to congratulate the winners of last week's event at Squamish which I understand turned out to be a very good day for golf. Unfortunately, most of us did not get to experience the good weather for golf. This may have been the second time I have missed an event or perhaps the very first time. I was busy ingraining my very shitty golf swing in the Okanogan. The list of other missing members is far too long to mention.
Congratulations to Bruce "Harley" Davidson whose sandbagging 19 handicap is starting to pay off. His stellar net 66 far outdistanced the rest of you reprobates. Was he playing from the same tees? "Raison" Cain and the ever steady "Stone Hands" Mason were next to show at a distant 71 which is still very good play in this group. With two of the top three nets in the group, the accounting firm of Cain, Davidson, and Alexander easily won the team match of the day. Apparently, some of Doug Player's golden horse luck has rubbed off on Alexander as he was able to cash in on the prize table. Steady Eddie Giovanella cashed in on the lack of talent in the rest of the field and took home the two KP prizes for the day. Shouldn't be hard to get him to spare again. And finally, the highly anticipated return of Tip Top Borland was delayed for another week as his back is still having difficulty settling down - too much practice or too much sex?
Tripper Cup - 2017 South Thompson Inn
The Men vs The Boys
The two teams for our annual Tripper Cup have been created by attempting to equalize handicaps for both teams. Taking the most recent list of handicaps as supplied by our scoring genius, Vic Grundy, the top handicap player and the bottom handicap player were placed on the same team. The second top handicap player and the second bottom handicap player were placed on the second team. The third top and third bottom were placed on the first team and fourth top and fourth bottom on team 2, etc. Hopefully, this has created two semi-equal teams. Team captains were randomly selected by me.
Madsen’s Mostly Merry Men
Madsen
Alexander
Goulding
Grundy
Herd
Killeen
Lyon
Player
Swan
Volpatti
Brown’s Bery Bad Boys
Brown
Borland
Burns
Cain
Davidson
Garries
Mason
Ostereicher
Sherk
Walters
The Rules
Day One is team format: best ball foursomes with 2 pts available on each hole. Best
ball vs best ball and 2nd best vs 2nd best. 1 point awarded for winning front 9, 1
point awarded for the back and one for the match. Thus 3 points for each foursome.
Day Two is individual match play with same format: 1 pt for front, 1 for back and 1
for match thus 6 points are available in each foursome.
*Remember to play out each hole regardless of the score or situation on that hole as individual prizes are awarded and individual scores count towards the Green Jacket. No Gimmees!
Foursomes for each day will be determined by the captains and their assistants.
The Captains and teams will meet at 7pm on Friday night in the lounge at the STI to select the teams and order in which they go out. A coin will be tossed to determine which team declares its first partnership then the second team will declare that matchup. The order of declaration is reversed for each subsequent round. 15 points are available on Day One.
The captains and assistants will meet again after the round of Day One and determine the matchups for Day Two. This time the captain of the team that is leading at the end of day one declares his first player out and the captain of the trailing team responds with his player. The order of first declaration is alternated thereafter. This time captains need to think about, not only the matchups, but also the cart pairings. 30 points are available on Day Two.
Once again, TB Sherk has donated trophies to each of the members of the winning Tripper Cup team and a week’s stay at his luxurious spot on Shuswap Lake. (Just kidding about that one.) Here’s to you TB!
See you in Kamloops!
Northview - Ridge Course - May 27, 2017
Spacemen Has Otherworldly Round
Dave “The Spaceman” Alexander shot the PGA round of his life this weekend clearly outpacing anyone else on the day. The Spaceman’s “quota” point total on the round was the only one in black figures. Everyone else on tour was in negative numbers or at zero for the day. His +7 definitely showed that the Spaceman is sandbagging his handicap or that something very strange was in the stars. What a round, Spaceman! Your spectacular round allowed Mike “Stonehands” Mason to visit the prize barrel for the best team round of the afternoon at +1 when he won the draw as your partner. Obviously, not all of his lucky shots were on the golf course. At the other end of the Quota Race was the very mediocre team of Flintstone Walters and Tommy B Sherk with a net -25. At least they drew each other as partners!
Finally, kudos to our scoring guru, Stretch Grundy, who took great pains in figuring out everyone’s quota points for the day. Not an easy job at all for the unflappable Grundy, but flawlessly performed!
KP’s
In the true test of golfing skill, the KP winners were Mike “Stonehands” Mason on #5, Kim “Kirknose" Madsen on #11 and Bruce “Harley” Davidson on #16. Mason seems to be walking to the prize table every week for this one. He has become the new Hugh Taylor. Madsen is so consistent, this is an expectation and watch out for the muffled “Harley” whose game is very, very consistent. In fact, he could win every week if he didn’t talk himself into poor scores. Congratulations, gentlemen, on your displays of true golfing acumen!
Low Nets
In TRFTCGJ the gap at the top of the table just levelled out. The front runners remained the same and the rest of the pack just became more of a rat pack. “Onstar" Burns remained in the same position with Kirknose Madsen hot in pursuit. Sneaky “Harley” Davisdon continued to position himself for his usual late charge. All three of those douchebags tied for low nets on the day with even par 72’s. So no gains or losses were made in The Race by any of those three but each of them came up with a pack of Deep Cove beer. The rest of you are beginning to sniff fumes in The Race and you know where those fumes are coming from. Big chance for Harley next week at Squamish as neither Burns nor Madsen will be in the field.
In the Rough
Apparently, it wasn’t the best of golfing days for the usually mild mannered Larry “Ace” Brown who was seen endlessly searching the rough for a lost ProV1. After a “minor” club toss the hole before, Brown was not going to entirely ruin his day by losing his beloved ProV. Remember, always toss your club in the direction you are going so as not to hold up play.
Anyone who needs to build up their ball collection should look on the left side of every hole. Tommy B Sherk hit his balls over there all day long. It is a good thing he starts out with 36 in his bag. He was starting to worry about having to use his tender ones.
Freddy Walters seems to be in great envy of Mike Mason’s nickname. He obviously wants to want to claim “Stonehands" for himself. The greens at Northview were faster than we are used to but leaving 20 footers for your second putt all day long just isn’t a good learning curve.
Finally, another Tsk,Tsk to gamesman Tip Top Borland for appointing Doug “Shakey” Player as captain. Player can’t even read his own handwriting much less figure out a complicated scoring system.
We probably won’t get a better day for golfing this year nor better greens for putting. A terrific day at Northview.
News Flash for All
Allan Goulding and his lovely wife have volunteered to host this season’s yearend BBQ at their home. Please make sure you and your bosses have that time after the Calcutta set aside in your calendars. You all will be asked in some small way to help with the organization so be prepared. Three cheers, Allan!
--
illegitimus non carborundum
Spacemen Has Otherworldly Round
Dave “The Spaceman” Alexander shot the PGA round of his life this weekend clearly outpacing anyone else on the day. The Spaceman’s “quota” point total on the round was the only one in black figures. Everyone else on tour was in negative numbers or at zero for the day. His +7 definitely showed that the Spaceman is sandbagging his handicap or that something very strange was in the stars. What a round, Spaceman! Your spectacular round allowed Mike “Stonehands” Mason to visit the prize barrel for the best team round of the afternoon at +1 when he won the draw as your partner. Obviously, not all of his lucky shots were on the golf course. At the other end of the Quota Race was the very mediocre team of Flintstone Walters and Tommy B Sherk with a net -25. At least they drew each other as partners!
Finally, kudos to our scoring guru, Stretch Grundy, who took great pains in figuring out everyone’s quota points for the day. Not an easy job at all for the unflappable Grundy, but flawlessly performed!
KP’s
In the true test of golfing skill, the KP winners were Mike “Stonehands” Mason on #5, Kim “Kirknose" Madsen on #11 and Bruce “Harley” Davidson on #16. Mason seems to be walking to the prize table every week for this one. He has become the new Hugh Taylor. Madsen is so consistent, this is an expectation and watch out for the muffled “Harley” whose game is very, very consistent. In fact, he could win every week if he didn’t talk himself into poor scores. Congratulations, gentlemen, on your displays of true golfing acumen!
Low Nets
In TRFTCGJ the gap at the top of the table just levelled out. The front runners remained the same and the rest of the pack just became more of a rat pack. “Onstar" Burns remained in the same position with Kirknose Madsen hot in pursuit. Sneaky “Harley” Davisdon continued to position himself for his usual late charge. All three of those douchebags tied for low nets on the day with even par 72’s. So no gains or losses were made in The Race by any of those three but each of them came up with a pack of Deep Cove beer. The rest of you are beginning to sniff fumes in The Race and you know where those fumes are coming from. Big chance for Harley next week at Squamish as neither Burns nor Madsen will be in the field.
In the Rough
Apparently, it wasn’t the best of golfing days for the usually mild mannered Larry “Ace” Brown who was seen endlessly searching the rough for a lost ProV1. After a “minor” club toss the hole before, Brown was not going to entirely ruin his day by losing his beloved ProV. Remember, always toss your club in the direction you are going so as not to hold up play.
Anyone who needs to build up their ball collection should look on the left side of every hole. Tommy B Sherk hit his balls over there all day long. It is a good thing he starts out with 36 in his bag. He was starting to worry about having to use his tender ones.
Freddy Walters seems to be in great envy of Mike Mason’s nickname. He obviously wants to want to claim “Stonehands" for himself. The greens at Northview were faster than we are used to but leaving 20 footers for your second putt all day long just isn’t a good learning curve.
Finally, another Tsk,Tsk to gamesman Tip Top Borland for appointing Doug “Shakey” Player as captain. Player can’t even read his own handwriting much less figure out a complicated scoring system.
We probably won’t get a better day for golfing this year nor better greens for putting. A terrific day at Northview.
News Flash for All
Allan Goulding and his lovely wife have volunteered to host this season’s yearend BBQ at their home. Please make sure you and your bosses have that time after the Calcutta set aside in your calendars. You all will be asked in some small way to help with the organization so be prepared. Three cheers, Allan!
--
illegitimus non carborundum
Swan-e-set Bay Resort - Week 4 - May 13, 2017
Swanny Swallows Pink Balls
On a day when the clouds looked ominous and threatening, the weather turned out to be the bright spot on the Pink Ball Day at Swan-e-set. Save for a very few, the net scores looked more like gross scores. However, armed with a definite plan, a captain who played his pink balls off, an imposing member who remembered to wear his pink shirt, and two other sandbagging regulars, the team of Mason, Grundy, Sherk and Walters managed to keep their pink ball in play all the way to the 7th hole before the course finally managed to swallow the last of the PGA’s pink balls. The rest of the groups had no plan, no talent and quite rapidly, no balls. In fact, two teams lost their balls on the 3rd shot of the day on hole #1. The team of Killer Killeen, Knuckles Garries, JR Leigh and Kirknose Madsen were declared the official losers of the day, edging out the other pathetic losers of Burns, Pound, Goulding and Volpatti. The Killeen team only achieved this dubious award because their pink ball was lost before they even reached the 150 yard marker. Volpatti’s team at least lost their’s on the approach to the green. Killeen and Burns both claimed they were merely being sensitive to the other members of their team by taking the pressure of dealing with the pink ball away from them. The others then could just free up their own swings and go for individual glory. That generous strategy, of course, worked as well as the captain of the Titanic’s navigational strategy.
A good plan and good execution lead to a trip the the prize table for the winning team of Stone Hands Mason, Scoring Nazi Grundy, Tommy Bahamas Sherk and Flintstone Walters who massaged their balls the longest!
KP’s
In the true test of golfing acumen, there were three KP winners on the day. Hole #3, the shortest of the par 3 tests, still did not have a marker on the green when the last group arrived. They managed at least to get one ball on the green and Drew “Mountain” Lyon lipped out his 160’ putt to capture the KP on that hole. On #8, once again, a player in the last group of the day (quelle surprise!) won the KP with the always par 3 steady Beerhead Player edging out Tommy Bahama’s one good shot of the day. The final KP on the very tough #16 already had the marker solidly in the middle of the green when Alex “Mr Bean” Volpatti stepped to the tee and hit a magnificent shot directly at the flag landing just over the bunker at the front of the green and rolling out directly on line. However, the bastard Burns stepped to the tee directly after Bean’s magnificent shot and hit his one good shot of the day on the exact same line as Bean’s. Bean’s optimism was shattered on his arrival at the green to see that Burns’ shot had rolled out slightly further than his own. The crestfallen Bean, always the gentleman, proceeded to congratulate Burns on his lucky shot. The bastard Burns didn’t even have the good grace to share his winnings from the prize table.
Low Nets
Swan-e-set Bay Resort Course proved to be too much for this motley PGA crew. The long (for us) 6600 yard course with no room to miss fairways proved a very difficult task for the members. Fully half the field could not break 100 (unless you count lost balls.) In fact, only three players managed to net par or better on the day which goes to show just how solidly those three did play. Stone Hands Mason lead the way with his spectacular net 69 playing what he said, “might be the best game of my life. I couldn’t miss until the last two holes!” Stone Hands has played very steady golf this season but that can’t miss attitude will surely come back to bite him in the ass. His fine 69 was followed up by the only other player to net under par with a net 71 from Kim Kirknose (formerly known as Cocknose) Madsen. The always steady Madsen is starting to fine tune his game. The last solid round of the day was posted by Mountain Lyon whose gross 38 on the front and gross 47 on the back lead him to an even net par 72. The Mountain Man’s amazing front nine was followed by an atrocious back nine, truly demonstrating his consistent inconsistency. The rest of us were just consistently atrocious.
TRTTHCGJ
The Bastard Burns still leads The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket but the gap has been narrowed. The crafty and steady Stone Hands Mason, who started the day in third place, has narrowed the gap and now sits solidly in second place - mostly because JR Leigh, who was in second, has completed his PGA season and now embarks on his off-season passion, ball hunting. He will be aided in that venture by his father, The Shyster, who will also be adding a series of new, fucking lessons and forgetting about golf. Also closing the gap is the very sneaky Kirknose who continues to climb the ladder. He will be there on the last day. The reigning Green Jacket holder will not go down without a fight. Flintstone Walters, Stretch Grundy and Tommy Bahamas Sherk seem to visit the prize barrel every week and continue to remain in contention. Mumbles Goulding took a step backwards this week even though he left his driver in the garage. His trusty 3 wood (and all his other clubs except his putter) let him down this week. The next round marks the halfway point in the season and will be a strong indication of who is still in the running for TRTTHDCJ. At that point the chaff should be separated from the worse chaff. Come on, gentlemen, you are quickly running out of excuses like bad weather, tax season, over work, aches and pains and are starting to settle solidly into the realm of shitty golf! Time to pick it up. Remember practice is highly over rated - except in the case of Stone Hands who has been seen on several occasions practicing his short game at Northlands.
In the Rough
The deportment of the PGA crew has obviously shown significant improvement over the past few weeks - a minimum of sanctions. Even Pudd Pound has gone relatively silent. Last week it was only Tip Top Borland who received a sanction for making Spaceman Alexander a captain - a truly massive mistake. And this week, it was only the Commissioner himself who received a sanction. The Commissioner’s sanction turned out to just be a minor indiscretion that no one would have even noticed, thanks to the watchful eye of Ace Brown but could have been slightly more inconvenient for everyone had they listened to his initial scheduling error and all showed up at Northview for the week’s event. Just a minor detail with a happy ending!
Shyster Leigh, also playing his final round on the tour for a while, continued to struggle with his new found body. He did, however, take one further step towards total retirement from the game by ridding his bag of balls (15 - 20 of them). And that doesn’t even include the pink one. I am sure he was just unloading them because he is no longer big enough to support all that weight. Really, who even has that many balls in their bag?
Bastard Burns lost only one ball on the day - the Pink one! He was, however, up a six pack of Pro V’s after the round.
A first time ever on a golf course, I believe - certainly a first time ever for the PGA - one of our groups had three members lose their balls on a par 3 with no water! How can that be done? The unnamed group contains members Pound, Volpatti, Goulding and Burns. The other member of the group put his tee shot 15’ from the pin. What an asshole!
Pudd Pound is truly vying for continuing membership in the group - he showed up at the course, but he left his game at home. Kindly put, his game was tragic. But he did carry on despite the pathos and demonstrated stellar behaviour even when most of us would have been reduced to tears or at least several club tosses. Kudos to the Pudd’s restraint! He, once again, demonstrated the real value of having a lesson the day before he plays. And kudos the the other members of the Pudd’s group for showing their sympathetic support by trying the be equally shitty.
Mumbles Goulding only had 26 putts on his round, which is very good, but still did not manage to break 100, which is very bad.
Flogem non scamus non shankus
Swanny Swallows Pink Balls
On a day when the clouds looked ominous and threatening, the weather turned out to be the bright spot on the Pink Ball Day at Swan-e-set. Save for a very few, the net scores looked more like gross scores. However, armed with a definite plan, a captain who played his pink balls off, an imposing member who remembered to wear his pink shirt, and two other sandbagging regulars, the team of Mason, Grundy, Sherk and Walters managed to keep their pink ball in play all the way to the 7th hole before the course finally managed to swallow the last of the PGA’s pink balls. The rest of the groups had no plan, no talent and quite rapidly, no balls. In fact, two teams lost their balls on the 3rd shot of the day on hole #1. The team of Killer Killeen, Knuckles Garries, JR Leigh and Kirknose Madsen were declared the official losers of the day, edging out the other pathetic losers of Burns, Pound, Goulding and Volpatti. The Killeen team only achieved this dubious award because their pink ball was lost before they even reached the 150 yard marker. Volpatti’s team at least lost their’s on the approach to the green. Killeen and Burns both claimed they were merely being sensitive to the other members of their team by taking the pressure of dealing with the pink ball away from them. The others then could just free up their own swings and go for individual glory. That generous strategy, of course, worked as well as the captain of the Titanic’s navigational strategy.
A good plan and good execution lead to a trip the the prize table for the winning team of Stone Hands Mason, Scoring Nazi Grundy, Tommy Bahamas Sherk and Flintstone Walters who massaged their balls the longest!
KP’s
In the true test of golfing acumen, there were three KP winners on the day. Hole #3, the shortest of the par 3 tests, still did not have a marker on the green when the last group arrived. They managed at least to get one ball on the green and Drew “Mountain” Lyon lipped out his 160’ putt to capture the KP on that hole. On #8, once again, a player in the last group of the day (quelle surprise!) won the KP with the always par 3 steady Beerhead Player edging out Tommy Bahama’s one good shot of the day. The final KP on the very tough #16 already had the marker solidly in the middle of the green when Alex “Mr Bean” Volpatti stepped to the tee and hit a magnificent shot directly at the flag landing just over the bunker at the front of the green and rolling out directly on line. However, the bastard Burns stepped to the tee directly after Bean’s magnificent shot and hit his one good shot of the day on the exact same line as Bean’s. Bean’s optimism was shattered on his arrival at the green to see that Burns’ shot had rolled out slightly further than his own. The crestfallen Bean, always the gentleman, proceeded to congratulate Burns on his lucky shot. The bastard Burns didn’t even have the good grace to share his winnings from the prize table.
Low Nets
Swan-e-set Bay Resort Course proved to be too much for this motley PGA crew. The long (for us) 6600 yard course with no room to miss fairways proved a very difficult task for the members. Fully half the field could not break 100 (unless you count lost balls.) In fact, only three players managed to net par or better on the day which goes to show just how solidly those three did play. Stone Hands Mason lead the way with his spectacular net 69 playing what he said, “might be the best game of my life. I couldn’t miss until the last two holes!” Stone Hands has played very steady golf this season but that can’t miss attitude will surely come back to bite him in the ass. His fine 69 was followed up by the only other player to net under par with a net 71 from Kim Kirknose (formerly known as Cocknose) Madsen. The always steady Madsen is starting to fine tune his game. The last solid round of the day was posted by Mountain Lyon whose gross 38 on the front and gross 47 on the back lead him to an even net par 72. The Mountain Man’s amazing front nine was followed by an atrocious back nine, truly demonstrating his consistent inconsistency. The rest of us were just consistently atrocious.
TRTTHCGJ
The Bastard Burns still leads The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket but the gap has been narrowed. The crafty and steady Stone Hands Mason, who started the day in third place, has narrowed the gap and now sits solidly in second place - mostly because JR Leigh, who was in second, has completed his PGA season and now embarks on his off-season passion, ball hunting. He will be aided in that venture by his father, The Shyster, who will also be adding a series of new, fucking lessons and forgetting about golf. Also closing the gap is the very sneaky Kirknose who continues to climb the ladder. He will be there on the last day. The reigning Green Jacket holder will not go down without a fight. Flintstone Walters, Stretch Grundy and Tommy Bahamas Sherk seem to visit the prize barrel every week and continue to remain in contention. Mumbles Goulding took a step backwards this week even though he left his driver in the garage. His trusty 3 wood (and all his other clubs except his putter) let him down this week. The next round marks the halfway point in the season and will be a strong indication of who is still in the running for TRTTHDCJ. At that point the chaff should be separated from the worse chaff. Come on, gentlemen, you are quickly running out of excuses like bad weather, tax season, over work, aches and pains and are starting to settle solidly into the realm of shitty golf! Time to pick it up. Remember practice is highly over rated - except in the case of Stone Hands who has been seen on several occasions practicing his short game at Northlands.
In the Rough
The deportment of the PGA crew has obviously shown significant improvement over the past few weeks - a minimum of sanctions. Even Pudd Pound has gone relatively silent. Last week it was only Tip Top Borland who received a sanction for making Spaceman Alexander a captain - a truly massive mistake. And this week, it was only the Commissioner himself who received a sanction. The Commissioner’s sanction turned out to just be a minor indiscretion that no one would have even noticed, thanks to the watchful eye of Ace Brown but could have been slightly more inconvenient for everyone had they listened to his initial scheduling error and all showed up at Northview for the week’s event. Just a minor detail with a happy ending!
Shyster Leigh, also playing his final round on the tour for a while, continued to struggle with his new found body. He did, however, take one further step towards total retirement from the game by ridding his bag of balls (15 - 20 of them). And that doesn’t even include the pink one. I am sure he was just unloading them because he is no longer big enough to support all that weight. Really, who even has that many balls in their bag?
Bastard Burns lost only one ball on the day - the Pink one! He was, however, up a six pack of Pro V’s after the round.
A first time ever on a golf course, I believe - certainly a first time ever for the PGA - one of our groups had three members lose their balls on a par 3 with no water! How can that be done? The unnamed group contains members Pound, Volpatti, Goulding and Burns. The other member of the group put his tee shot 15’ from the pin. What an asshole!
Pudd Pound is truly vying for continuing membership in the group - he showed up at the course, but he left his game at home. Kindly put, his game was tragic. But he did carry on despite the pathos and demonstrated stellar behaviour even when most of us would have been reduced to tears or at least several club tosses. Kudos to the Pudd’s restraint! He, once again, demonstrated the real value of having a lesson the day before he plays. And kudos the the other members of the Pudd’s group for showing their sympathetic support by trying the be equally shitty.
Mumbles Goulding only had 26 putts on his round, which is very good, but still did not manage to break 100, which is very bad.
Flogem non scamus non shankus
King’s Links - Week 3 - May 6, 2017
JR Leigh Laps the Field
JR Leigh was head and shoulders better than anyone else on the first sunny golf day of the season. Obviously the lack of trees freed up Junior’s swing or the bright orb in the sky threw everyone else’s game completely off because the erratic Leigh showed everyone his sometimes elusive game. His net 66 was fully 5 strokes better than his next closest competitors, guest David “in the Bush” Byrd and the slyly sneaky Commissioner, Tricky Dicky Burns. Junior reportedly had 13 legitimate birdie putts on the day, but of course, he didn’t make any of them. What a day it could have been! Prediction - Leigh Junior only has one more good round left in him - only because he only has one more round left before Killeen returns from India to take over Leigh’s quest for the Green Jacket. Killeen has been in India searching for that same elephant that found Relic Murdoch in heat this past winter. I’m expecting that Killeen will need surgery upon his return, too.
TRTTHCGJ
After three rounds there is starting to be some separation in this year’s Race To the Highly Coveted Green Jacket, although JR Leigh took over second place and closed the gap with his spectacular net 66. However, Burns’ steady play and everyone else’s spectacularly shitty efforts has left Burns alone at the top of the leader board. That being said, it is still very early days in The Race and many of our members have had erratic attendance so far. JR has been good, Mumbles Goulding has been unusually solid with all his guest appearances so far, largely as a result of leaving his driver in the garage at home (his relatively new driver doesn’t match his very old swing) and the very steady “Stone Hands” Mason is quietly lurking in the weeds. The always crafty Flintstone Walters is next but he has played only one round. His Spanish mistress must be more appealing than his golfing buddies. However, his spare Reed “ The Kid” Ponak has been a delightful fill in but must have been sleeping over at Spaceman Alexander’s house on Friday night before the round because had had to run right to the first tee after arriving late. His slow start didn’t help his game. What’s with Leigh SR? His new body certainly doesn’t seem to like his golf swing. He can’t seem to pull himself out of his golfing doldrums this season. He must already be thinking about next year and the extra two hundred lessons he can fit in to give him one swing thought. And Beerhead Player who is generally a very slippery competitor in the Race is not having a stellar start. Perhaps his true handicap is starting to show! Bruce Davidson showed early signs of post taxman season by finally putting in a strong performance. Watch out for the Dman but did he leave too big a hole to dig out?! His very slow start might be his nemesis.
Here is Stretch “The Scoring Nazi” Grundy’s analysis of The Race:
“To reiterate, because there seems to be continuing confusion, we are not dropping any rounds from the HCGJ calculation. We are only adding rounds for players who have not played the minimum 8 required rounds for the HCGJ race. This is intended to reward consistency of play throughout the season.
So far it’s not much of a race with Dick Burns seemingly doing a Tiger Woods in his prime and running away from the field. He is the only one in a field of 20 regulars playing under par year to date for the season. Because I am calculating averages I have shown the strokes behind the leader as a more meaningful way to highlight the lead. So, although Digby Jr is only 2.4 strokes behind Dick this lead is over 3 rounds making it in total a 7 stroke lead. With 6 rounds still to play this is certainly not an insurmountable lead but if Dick continues to keep shooting net under par rounds it is going to be a challenge for the rest of the field to catch him. Then again, maybe Docme will start picking up cocktail waitresses and get distracted from his game?”
The Race is on and next week will be a make or break week in TRTTHCGJ.
Viennese Massacre
The team of the afore mentioned JR Leigh, Drew “Mountain” Lyon, Tommy B Sherk and former PGA member JMac Mackenzie waltzed through the course and were really the only ones to fully grasp the concept of 1, 2, 3, easily outdistancing everyone else with a grand total of 22 under. The second place team of The Spaceman, Docme, Reed “The Kid Ponak" and Don Taylor were miles back at 14 under. The rest of you must have been playing playing a different course when the best that could be mustered was minus 4. The final three groups must have run into some rough weather behind those first two groups. Pick up the pace!
KP’s
The two big winners of true golfing acumen for their winning closest to the pin shots were Mumbles Goulding on hole number 4 and guest, “In the Bush” Byrd who demonstrated that even a blind squirrel can sometimes find a nut with his fabulous shot on hole #13. Byrd’s shot was surely out of the ordinary because he also won a prize for his high net 84. “Whatever happened to Murray White,” asked Byrd, but thanks for the bottle of wine. Byrd also demonstrated there is not much genetic link between himself and Uncle Pudd Pound being as quiet and respectful as he was. Thanks for coming out, David. you are welcome to join in any time.
In The Rough
Speaking of thanks for coming out, many thanks to our multitude of spares this past week for filling in for our travelling desparados. Great to see the return of former member John JMac Mackenzie and new trainees, Kevin Kearns and Don Taylor who also had the good graces to not win any prizes. They are welcome to fill in anytime. Reed “The Kid” Ponak filled in for a second week in a row for Flintstone Walters and must be feeling like a regular by arriving 30 seconds before teeing off. And finally, thanks to David “In the Bush” Bryd who not only earned a nickname first time out, but he jeopardized his return invitation by walking off with two prizes. Well done, David.
Did anyone else notice that Spaceman Alexander was first to the course this week? My theory is he got his dates wrong and was there overnight or he came directly from the redeye flight in from Vegas. What else could it be? Did he set his watch two hours forward on the time change?
Rumour has it that Beerhead Player made approximately two hundred feet of putts during his round and a chip-in. He still shot a 94. Should have used his putter off the tee.
Finally, the only sanction for the day went to Dale Borland in absentia for appointing The Spaceman as a captain. The Spaceman had some excuse like one broken finger and another partially amputated finger for his illegible scorecard but his accounting background shone through when he was able to recognize there were 18 holes. All in all, he did an admirable job despite his disabilities which are far too numerous to list. The sanction goes to Borland.
Flogem non scamus non shankus
JR Leigh Laps the Field
JR Leigh was head and shoulders better than anyone else on the first sunny golf day of the season. Obviously the lack of trees freed up Junior’s swing or the bright orb in the sky threw everyone else’s game completely off because the erratic Leigh showed everyone his sometimes elusive game. His net 66 was fully 5 strokes better than his next closest competitors, guest David “in the Bush” Byrd and the slyly sneaky Commissioner, Tricky Dicky Burns. Junior reportedly had 13 legitimate birdie putts on the day, but of course, he didn’t make any of them. What a day it could have been! Prediction - Leigh Junior only has one more good round left in him - only because he only has one more round left before Killeen returns from India to take over Leigh’s quest for the Green Jacket. Killeen has been in India searching for that same elephant that found Relic Murdoch in heat this past winter. I’m expecting that Killeen will need surgery upon his return, too.
TRTTHCGJ
After three rounds there is starting to be some separation in this year’s Race To the Highly Coveted Green Jacket, although JR Leigh took over second place and closed the gap with his spectacular net 66. However, Burns’ steady play and everyone else’s spectacularly shitty efforts has left Burns alone at the top of the leader board. That being said, it is still very early days in The Race and many of our members have had erratic attendance so far. JR has been good, Mumbles Goulding has been unusually solid with all his guest appearances so far, largely as a result of leaving his driver in the garage at home (his relatively new driver doesn’t match his very old swing) and the very steady “Stone Hands” Mason is quietly lurking in the weeds. The always crafty Flintstone Walters is next but he has played only one round. His Spanish mistress must be more appealing than his golfing buddies. However, his spare Reed “ The Kid” Ponak has been a delightful fill in but must have been sleeping over at Spaceman Alexander’s house on Friday night before the round because had had to run right to the first tee after arriving late. His slow start didn’t help his game. What’s with Leigh SR? His new body certainly doesn’t seem to like his golf swing. He can’t seem to pull himself out of his golfing doldrums this season. He must already be thinking about next year and the extra two hundred lessons he can fit in to give him one swing thought. And Beerhead Player who is generally a very slippery competitor in the Race is not having a stellar start. Perhaps his true handicap is starting to show! Bruce Davidson showed early signs of post taxman season by finally putting in a strong performance. Watch out for the Dman but did he leave too big a hole to dig out?! His very slow start might be his nemesis.
Here is Stretch “The Scoring Nazi” Grundy’s analysis of The Race:
“To reiterate, because there seems to be continuing confusion, we are not dropping any rounds from the HCGJ calculation. We are only adding rounds for players who have not played the minimum 8 required rounds for the HCGJ race. This is intended to reward consistency of play throughout the season.
So far it’s not much of a race with Dick Burns seemingly doing a Tiger Woods in his prime and running away from the field. He is the only one in a field of 20 regulars playing under par year to date for the season. Because I am calculating averages I have shown the strokes behind the leader as a more meaningful way to highlight the lead. So, although Digby Jr is only 2.4 strokes behind Dick this lead is over 3 rounds making it in total a 7 stroke lead. With 6 rounds still to play this is certainly not an insurmountable lead but if Dick continues to keep shooting net under par rounds it is going to be a challenge for the rest of the field to catch him. Then again, maybe Docme will start picking up cocktail waitresses and get distracted from his game?”
The Race is on and next week will be a make or break week in TRTTHCGJ.
Viennese Massacre
The team of the afore mentioned JR Leigh, Drew “Mountain” Lyon, Tommy B Sherk and former PGA member JMac Mackenzie waltzed through the course and were really the only ones to fully grasp the concept of 1, 2, 3, easily outdistancing everyone else with a grand total of 22 under. The second place team of The Spaceman, Docme, Reed “The Kid Ponak" and Don Taylor were miles back at 14 under. The rest of you must have been playing playing a different course when the best that could be mustered was minus 4. The final three groups must have run into some rough weather behind those first two groups. Pick up the pace!
KP’s
The two big winners of true golfing acumen for their winning closest to the pin shots were Mumbles Goulding on hole number 4 and guest, “In the Bush” Byrd who demonstrated that even a blind squirrel can sometimes find a nut with his fabulous shot on hole #13. Byrd’s shot was surely out of the ordinary because he also won a prize for his high net 84. “Whatever happened to Murray White,” asked Byrd, but thanks for the bottle of wine. Byrd also demonstrated there is not much genetic link between himself and Uncle Pudd Pound being as quiet and respectful as he was. Thanks for coming out, David. you are welcome to join in any time.
In The Rough
Speaking of thanks for coming out, many thanks to our multitude of spares this past week for filling in for our travelling desparados. Great to see the return of former member John JMac Mackenzie and new trainees, Kevin Kearns and Don Taylor who also had the good graces to not win any prizes. They are welcome to fill in anytime. Reed “The Kid” Ponak filled in for a second week in a row for Flintstone Walters and must be feeling like a regular by arriving 30 seconds before teeing off. And finally, thanks to David “In the Bush” Bryd who not only earned a nickname first time out, but he jeopardized his return invitation by walking off with two prizes. Well done, David.
Did anyone else notice that Spaceman Alexander was first to the course this week? My theory is he got his dates wrong and was there overnight or he came directly from the redeye flight in from Vegas. What else could it be? Did he set his watch two hours forward on the time change?
Rumour has it that Beerhead Player made approximately two hundred feet of putts during his round and a chip-in. He still shot a 94. Should have used his putter off the tee.
Finally, the only sanction for the day went to Dale Borland in absentia for appointing The Spaceman as a captain. The Spaceman had some excuse like one broken finger and another partially amputated finger for his illegible scorecard but his accounting background shone through when he was able to recognize there were 18 holes. All in all, he did an admirable job despite his disabilities which are far too numerous to list. The sanction goes to Borland.
Flogem non scamus non shankus
Week 2 - The Canal - April 24 2017
Heroes and Bums
Even though Bummer Beerhead Player did his best to drag his teammates into the depths of the also ran, stellar play from the other three members of the winning team of Sherk, Goulding, Player and Burns was able to elevate the mediocrity of Player and guide the winning team to the prize table at the end of the day. Their net score in Hero’s and Bums was a cool 152 (and could have been 151 had a constitutional rule not been invoked not allowing 2 strokes on a par 3 - Tommy Bahamas!) which narrowly edged out an almost equally stellar round from the team of Stonehands Mason, JR Leigh, Richard Big Bird Ostereicher and Drew Mountain Lyon whose net 153 got them only a casual mention in this writeup. Apparently, no one in the favoured group of Señor Leigh, Steve Raison Cain, Raz Herd, or Kim Kirknose Madsen brought their A games or even their B or C games for that matter. Their astronomical net 171 was astonishing or perhaps just embarrassing, especially after the Razman dropped his net from 91 at Morgan Creek to 74 at The Canal. Obviously, Señor is drastically overpaying at Golftech or the lessons haven't started to kick in just yet. Too much going on in his head for his new body to stay connected.
Low Nets
Low nets for the day went to a stellar performance from the Commissioner whose net 66 far outdistanced anyone else in the field. Apparently, he was the only one who was able to manage the wind and the rain on the final few holes. Although I think he was just lucky to get away with his wanks on the day. Stonehands Mason put in another strong round for the second week in a row and his net 72 was good for second place. Wow, the extra weight he has put on must be really helping out his game. Perhaps that shirt order he changed from medium to large will better fit his growing ego. Kudos also go out to Mumbles Goulding, making his initial start for the season; JR Leigh and Mountain Lyon for their very strong net 73’s which once again only gets them a mention here but no prizes. Goulding’s surprisingly strong start comes as a result of leaving his driver at home. He hardly missed a fairway with his trusty, tiny 3 wood. He should get right home and drive directly to the ocean and see how far he can throw that driver in even though it might have some value as an antique. JR looks like he might be getting his game in order just in time for him to head off onto the road. Mountain, on the other hand, was able to stabilize himself in the strong winds. Visualize him hiding in the weeds - if you can.
KP’s
Congratulations to the winners of the true demonstration of golfing acumen, the closest to the pins on # 6 and #17. Those demonstrating the best golfing ability on the day were Bruno Davidson on #6 whose shot left him with a 5 foot birdie putt which he promptly missed and Raz Herd who incredibly even left a ball on the green on 17 considering the all carry, howling downwind shot that he had to make - a true testament to his golfing capabilities. Two weeks in a row now for the Razman! How did he shoot that net 91 last time? Must have been the company.
In the Sand
One Leigh likes the forest and the other likes the sand. Señor won the prize on the day for most visits to the sand. His seven strokes in the sand outpaced even The Spaceman’s 6. Spaceman Alexander was making his season debut having arrived back on earth only the day before. His 6 in the sand would have been even more, I am certain, if he wasn’t suffering from spacetime jet lag. He obviously wasn’t his usual self and he was able to get out of the sand eventually this time around. Leigh’s 7 in the sand wasn’t totally surprising considering how many total shots he took on the day.
The Race For the Highly Coveted Green Jacket
The season is just starting and there is a very long road ahead but there are some early names beginning to emerge and some names who have already said “that jacket is too small for me.” The good news is that one of the bad scores will get thrown out - the bad news is that some have already had two bad scores. So far the schizophrenic Burns has set a very early torrid pace with a commanding 7 stroke lead over the next closest competitors. Those 5 rounds in Mexico that really inflated his handicap seem to be coming in handy. But we all know that he peaks early then falls off the cart. Still 7 strokes is a commanding lead. Next in line is the surprising Stonehands Mason with a cool, net 147. He is really taking this seriously after a mediocre rookie campaign. Keep your eyes on him. Next up at 150 are the sneaky Scoring Nazi Vic Grundy and the surprising Tommy Bahamas Sherk. All that off season work in the sun seems to be paying off for these boys and Sherk, especially, is taking advantage of the two strokes he gets on almost every hole. Only 16 of us have played both rounds so far.
In the Rough
Many thanks to Reed Ponak for filling in admirably for the vacationing Flintstone Walters. Not only was Reed a personality upgrade for the absent Walters, but he also drastically dropped the average age for the group. Thanks again, Reed.
Kudos to the group for their pace of play on the day. The starter went out of his way to commend us for the way we played our rounds. BTW, did you read on your cart contract that you could be fined $400 for every 9 minutes you fall behind the required pace?
Reprimands to the first group again for not having the required number of chairs in place for all the players at the end of the round. How hard can that be to organize? Let’s make it the responsibility for someone in the first group to go into the bar before the round begins and inform them that there will be 20 people coming into the bar approximately 4 hours after their tee time. Who was in that first group?
Finally, Pound Your Pudd Pound will be sanctioned at the next event for, one, being part of the first group, and two, for his highly offensive digital outbursts. Not only did he demean and question the moral and ethical integrity of the Executive Committee but he flouted the authority of the Office of the Commissioner, and he had the audacity to leave early and not face his consequences in a timely manner. For that he will be sanctioned one jug of beer at the next event and although the commissioner does recognize his attempt to stir the discoursive pot, henceforth, he shall be limited to no more than 140 letters of verbiage in all his communications.
--
illegitimus non carborundum
Heroes and Bums
Even though Bummer Beerhead Player did his best to drag his teammates into the depths of the also ran, stellar play from the other three members of the winning team of Sherk, Goulding, Player and Burns was able to elevate the mediocrity of Player and guide the winning team to the prize table at the end of the day. Their net score in Hero’s and Bums was a cool 152 (and could have been 151 had a constitutional rule not been invoked not allowing 2 strokes on a par 3 - Tommy Bahamas!) which narrowly edged out an almost equally stellar round from the team of Stonehands Mason, JR Leigh, Richard Big Bird Ostereicher and Drew Mountain Lyon whose net 153 got them only a casual mention in this writeup. Apparently, no one in the favoured group of Señor Leigh, Steve Raison Cain, Raz Herd, or Kim Kirknose Madsen brought their A games or even their B or C games for that matter. Their astronomical net 171 was astonishing or perhaps just embarrassing, especially after the Razman dropped his net from 91 at Morgan Creek to 74 at The Canal. Obviously, Señor is drastically overpaying at Golftech or the lessons haven't started to kick in just yet. Too much going on in his head for his new body to stay connected.
Low Nets
Low nets for the day went to a stellar performance from the Commissioner whose net 66 far outdistanced anyone else in the field. Apparently, he was the only one who was able to manage the wind and the rain on the final few holes. Although I think he was just lucky to get away with his wanks on the day. Stonehands Mason put in another strong round for the second week in a row and his net 72 was good for second place. Wow, the extra weight he has put on must be really helping out his game. Perhaps that shirt order he changed from medium to large will better fit his growing ego. Kudos also go out to Mumbles Goulding, making his initial start for the season; JR Leigh and Mountain Lyon for their very strong net 73’s which once again only gets them a mention here but no prizes. Goulding’s surprisingly strong start comes as a result of leaving his driver at home. He hardly missed a fairway with his trusty, tiny 3 wood. He should get right home and drive directly to the ocean and see how far he can throw that driver in even though it might have some value as an antique. JR looks like he might be getting his game in order just in time for him to head off onto the road. Mountain, on the other hand, was able to stabilize himself in the strong winds. Visualize him hiding in the weeds - if you can.
KP’s
Congratulations to the winners of the true demonstration of golfing acumen, the closest to the pins on # 6 and #17. Those demonstrating the best golfing ability on the day were Bruno Davidson on #6 whose shot left him with a 5 foot birdie putt which he promptly missed and Raz Herd who incredibly even left a ball on the green on 17 considering the all carry, howling downwind shot that he had to make - a true testament to his golfing capabilities. Two weeks in a row now for the Razman! How did he shoot that net 91 last time? Must have been the company.
In the Sand
One Leigh likes the forest and the other likes the sand. Señor won the prize on the day for most visits to the sand. His seven strokes in the sand outpaced even The Spaceman’s 6. Spaceman Alexander was making his season debut having arrived back on earth only the day before. His 6 in the sand would have been even more, I am certain, if he wasn’t suffering from spacetime jet lag. He obviously wasn’t his usual self and he was able to get out of the sand eventually this time around. Leigh’s 7 in the sand wasn’t totally surprising considering how many total shots he took on the day.
The Race For the Highly Coveted Green Jacket
The season is just starting and there is a very long road ahead but there are some early names beginning to emerge and some names who have already said “that jacket is too small for me.” The good news is that one of the bad scores will get thrown out - the bad news is that some have already had two bad scores. So far the schizophrenic Burns has set a very early torrid pace with a commanding 7 stroke lead over the next closest competitors. Those 5 rounds in Mexico that really inflated his handicap seem to be coming in handy. But we all know that he peaks early then falls off the cart. Still 7 strokes is a commanding lead. Next in line is the surprising Stonehands Mason with a cool, net 147. He is really taking this seriously after a mediocre rookie campaign. Keep your eyes on him. Next up at 150 are the sneaky Scoring Nazi Vic Grundy and the surprising Tommy Bahamas Sherk. All that off season work in the sun seems to be paying off for these boys and Sherk, especially, is taking advantage of the two strokes he gets on almost every hole. Only 16 of us have played both rounds so far.
In the Rough
Many thanks to Reed Ponak for filling in admirably for the vacationing Flintstone Walters. Not only was Reed a personality upgrade for the absent Walters, but he also drastically dropped the average age for the group. Thanks again, Reed.
Kudos to the group for their pace of play on the day. The starter went out of his way to commend us for the way we played our rounds. BTW, did you read on your cart contract that you could be fined $400 for every 9 minutes you fall behind the required pace?
Reprimands to the first group again for not having the required number of chairs in place for all the players at the end of the round. How hard can that be to organize? Let’s make it the responsibility for someone in the first group to go into the bar before the round begins and inform them that there will be 20 people coming into the bar approximately 4 hours after their tee time. Who was in that first group?
Finally, Pound Your Pudd Pound will be sanctioned at the next event for, one, being part of the first group, and two, for his highly offensive digital outbursts. Not only did he demean and question the moral and ethical integrity of the Executive Committee but he flouted the authority of the Office of the Commissioner, and he had the audacity to leave early and not face his consequences in a timely manner. For that he will be sanctioned one jug of beer at the next event and although the commissioner does recognize his attempt to stir the discoursive pot, henceforth, he shall be limited to no more than 140 letters of verbiage in all his communications.
--
illegitimus non carborundum
PGA Members Brought To Their Knees - April 10/2017
The season opener turned out to be a true test of stamina in the initial event for The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket. As tradition would have, the first tee shot of the season went to the holder of the HCGJ, Mr “Kirknose” Madsen. And after a very rainy warmup, the weatherman teased the group by having the rain ease off just as the season began. However, at about the turn, the weatherman threw all the negatives he could back at the players. Not only did the rain set back in for the entire back nine, but also the wind and the cold continued on. We are still lucky to be able to golf in November. Playing in any one of the wind, the rain or the cold is challenging enough; but playing in all three proved too much for the PGA members. The course was the winner on the day with no one even capable of breaking net par. Even Olympic, our putting game for the day, proved to be a major challenge as record low scores were recorded. Five was the median score in that event when often, that is the low score. Despite the temperature, the rain and the poor scores, everyone was glad to be back at the golf course and off to a new season even if the highlight was the beer and the warmth of the clubhouse after the round. Kirknose continued to maintain tradition by donning the Green Jacket and proudly displaying its rich heritage during our closing presentations. Well done, Kirknose! And well done from our lead group arranging for the table set up and beer and munchies awaiting the end of everyone’s round. A fine standard was set for the remainder of the season.
The Prize Weiners
Perhaps it was fitting that the two best golfers on the day with net 73’s were our two spares who manned up and showed up despite the questionable weather. Thanks for fulfilling your commitment to the group and congratulations on your talented display of golfing acumen, Doug “Coach” Abercrombie and Scott “The Younger” Leigh. There is some question about the Leigh victory, however, as he was assigned an arbitrary handicap by his father “Shyster” Leigh. Either the elder Leigh’s handicapping prowess is very good or “The Younger” owes him half of his prize beer. Speaking of half, did anyone else notice that only half of the “Shyster” showed up to the opening even. He is really taking his “half” membership seriously. Tommy Bahama was looking duly morose.
Record low Olympic points were scored by the members, perhaps as a result of the weather and perhaps as a result of the fairly recently punched greens, but more likely due to bad luck. The balls just wouldn’t bounce into the cups today. Surely it wasn't due to LOFT! However, there was a team winner in the event with a grand total of 18 points, 4 from Alex Volpatti and 14 from Drew “The Mountain” Lyon. The Mountain would have won this event on his own as no two other score would have surpassed Drew’s 14. Three other teams tied for second with 13 total points - The Shyster and Burns, Ron “Pud” Pound with Bob “Knuckles” Garries, and Larry “Prizeman” Brown with Doug “Beerhead” Player.
True golfing brilliance was on display on two occasions during the round for the two new members to the tour this year for their KP’s on holes 8 and 14. Randy “Raz” Herd on 8 whose tee shot ended up 6 feet from the hole (the Raz is the middle part of crazy at least that’s the politically correct version of the story); and “Pud” Pound’s moment of brilliance came on the 14th with a tee shot that ended 5 feet from the hole. Even a blind squirrel ….
The final prize of the day, “ the Pink Panties” Prize, for the worst round of the day went to “Raz” Herd who was simply doing his best to make sure he fit in with this crowd. His net 91, although not a record, certainly puts him in the Murray White category. I think he is going to have to show a real consistency of shittyness to qualify for Murray’s school of golf. I’m not sure The “Raz” has that in him but he is on his way. Murray, we’re still thinking of you! To top off “The Raz’s” pathetic afternoon, he did set a new national record of zero Olympic points, a feat never before achieved in the history of this group. What a way to make a name for yourself. You didn’t have to try so hard to be bad enough to fit in with this group, but welcome!
In The Rough
Humblest apologies go to our last group of the day, the accounting firm of Davidson, Volpatti, Ostereicher and Cain. Even though their two holes behind the group in front pace would normally be deemed unacceptable, their actual round time of 4 hours 15 minutes was well within the acceptable range of pace. I guess everyone in front of them were just in a hurry to get off the course while the accounting firm was continuing to grind over every shot in their quest for the HCGJ. They should not have been asked to show a sign of good will by contributing to the beer fund, but we still appreciate that they did. You guys are owed one.
Pud, on the other hand, may have gotten away with one. A mere show of good faith was perhaps too light a consequence for his brazen demeaning of one of our long standing, lowly esteemed members. He certainly tread a very fine line for a rookie. He will need to remain on his toes! But, once again, we appreciate his contribution.
“Knuclkes” Garries is leading the season’s tour in club tosses. The good news is that he has finally learned to toss the club in front of himself. And the other good news is that in his old age, he can’t toss it nearly as far.
Once again, many thanks to Ken “Tommy Bahamas” Sherk for demonstrating his generosity and commitment to this tour by donating 10 trophies to the winning team on this year’s Tripper Cup. Make sure you individually stop and say thank you to Tommy if for no other reason than to cheer him up. He is very sad about losing half his pal Digby Leigh.”Tommy’s” hair alone now weighs more than Digby.
The season opener turned out to be a true test of stamina in the initial event for The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket. As tradition would have, the first tee shot of the season went to the holder of the HCGJ, Mr “Kirknose” Madsen. And after a very rainy warmup, the weatherman teased the group by having the rain ease off just as the season began. However, at about the turn, the weatherman threw all the negatives he could back at the players. Not only did the rain set back in for the entire back nine, but also the wind and the cold continued on. We are still lucky to be able to golf in November. Playing in any one of the wind, the rain or the cold is challenging enough; but playing in all three proved too much for the PGA members. The course was the winner on the day with no one even capable of breaking net par. Even Olympic, our putting game for the day, proved to be a major challenge as record low scores were recorded. Five was the median score in that event when often, that is the low score. Despite the temperature, the rain and the poor scores, everyone was glad to be back at the golf course and off to a new season even if the highlight was the beer and the warmth of the clubhouse after the round. Kirknose continued to maintain tradition by donning the Green Jacket and proudly displaying its rich heritage during our closing presentations. Well done, Kirknose! And well done from our lead group arranging for the table set up and beer and munchies awaiting the end of everyone’s round. A fine standard was set for the remainder of the season.
The Prize Weiners
Perhaps it was fitting that the two best golfers on the day with net 73’s were our two spares who manned up and showed up despite the questionable weather. Thanks for fulfilling your commitment to the group and congratulations on your talented display of golfing acumen, Doug “Coach” Abercrombie and Scott “The Younger” Leigh. There is some question about the Leigh victory, however, as he was assigned an arbitrary handicap by his father “Shyster” Leigh. Either the elder Leigh’s handicapping prowess is very good or “The Younger” owes him half of his prize beer. Speaking of half, did anyone else notice that only half of the “Shyster” showed up to the opening even. He is really taking his “half” membership seriously. Tommy Bahama was looking duly morose.
Record low Olympic points were scored by the members, perhaps as a result of the weather and perhaps as a result of the fairly recently punched greens, but more likely due to bad luck. The balls just wouldn’t bounce into the cups today. Surely it wasn't due to LOFT! However, there was a team winner in the event with a grand total of 18 points, 4 from Alex Volpatti and 14 from Drew “The Mountain” Lyon. The Mountain would have won this event on his own as no two other score would have surpassed Drew’s 14. Three other teams tied for second with 13 total points - The Shyster and Burns, Ron “Pud” Pound with Bob “Knuckles” Garries, and Larry “Prizeman” Brown with Doug “Beerhead” Player.
True golfing brilliance was on display on two occasions during the round for the two new members to the tour this year for their KP’s on holes 8 and 14. Randy “Raz” Herd on 8 whose tee shot ended up 6 feet from the hole (the Raz is the middle part of crazy at least that’s the politically correct version of the story); and “Pud” Pound’s moment of brilliance came on the 14th with a tee shot that ended 5 feet from the hole. Even a blind squirrel ….
The final prize of the day, “ the Pink Panties” Prize, for the worst round of the day went to “Raz” Herd who was simply doing his best to make sure he fit in with this crowd. His net 91, although not a record, certainly puts him in the Murray White category. I think he is going to have to show a real consistency of shittyness to qualify for Murray’s school of golf. I’m not sure The “Raz” has that in him but he is on his way. Murray, we’re still thinking of you! To top off “The Raz’s” pathetic afternoon, he did set a new national record of zero Olympic points, a feat never before achieved in the history of this group. What a way to make a name for yourself. You didn’t have to try so hard to be bad enough to fit in with this group, but welcome!
In The Rough
Humblest apologies go to our last group of the day, the accounting firm of Davidson, Volpatti, Ostereicher and Cain. Even though their two holes behind the group in front pace would normally be deemed unacceptable, their actual round time of 4 hours 15 minutes was well within the acceptable range of pace. I guess everyone in front of them were just in a hurry to get off the course while the accounting firm was continuing to grind over every shot in their quest for the HCGJ. They should not have been asked to show a sign of good will by contributing to the beer fund, but we still appreciate that they did. You guys are owed one.
Pud, on the other hand, may have gotten away with one. A mere show of good faith was perhaps too light a consequence for his brazen demeaning of one of our long standing, lowly esteemed members. He certainly tread a very fine line for a rookie. He will need to remain on his toes! But, once again, we appreciate his contribution.
“Knuclkes” Garries is leading the season’s tour in club tosses. The good news is that he has finally learned to toss the club in front of himself. And the other good news is that in his old age, he can’t toss it nearly as far.
Once again, many thanks to Ken “Tommy Bahamas” Sherk for demonstrating his generosity and commitment to this tour by donating 10 trophies to the winning team on this year’s Tripper Cup. Make sure you individually stop and say thank you to Tommy if for no other reason than to cheer him up. He is very sad about losing half his pal Digby Leigh.”Tommy’s” hair alone now weighs more than Digby.
April 5, 2017
Gentlemen,
The time has arrived for us to shake off the rust and let some real competition begin. The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket officially kicks off this Saturday at 10:30 at Morgan Creek. One only hope that it rains considerably less in South Surrey than it does in Deep Cove. And we are scheduled for only a chance of showers on Saturday which is a comparatively good news forecast. Bring your brollies and hope all the rain we have had hasn't increased the rust on your golf swings; although I know many of you have been off to sunnier climes just to prepare for the start of The Race for THCGJ.
Dale has sent out the groupings and the game rules to all the designated captains and they will be responsible for organizing you and making sure you know the rules of the game you are playing. I have made a slight change to the groups that Dale sent out so Captains take note. I did that on authority of the commissioner's office which isn't much but I have to have something.
Brownie and Bob have all the prizes in order and let's hope we have a sanction free day, although Player and Pound have done their utmost to annoy the commissioner even before the season starts. Remember, the first group in has the responsibility to organize seating and post match beverages. Captains have the responsibility to hand in a legible, totalled scorecard to the scoring Nazi, Vic, at the completion of the round.
Here are the groups for Saturday:
Group 1
Madsen
Leigh Sr
Grundy
Sherk
Group 2
Brown
Pound
Player
Mason
Group 3
Walters
Abercrombie
Herd
Burns
Group 4
Lyon
Leigh The Younger
Leigh Jr
Garries
Group 5
Cain
Ostereicher
Davidson
Volpatti
Group 1 looks like the favourite in this competition. With a Scientific salesman, a lawyer, a notary and an accountant, they will have every sneaky advantage figured out. Don't count out group 5, though. They will have all the numbers covered with three accountants. Our only hope may be that Steve Cain's head may spin right off his neck. Count out Group 2 - Brown and Mason will have too big a task trying to keep Player and Pound dry from all the whining they will do. Group 4 is a long shot unless there is a prize for being lost in the bush. That's where these guys look like they belong. And Group 3 is a sleeper especially with Flintstone being elevated to captain. With that kind of positive encouragement for Freddy, he may be able to lead the other poor, lost souls in his group to some positive recognition.
The Game
This week's game is "Olympic." It will be a two man team event with a blind draw for you partner at the end of the round. It is essentially a putting game based on points for one putting and one putting only. Points are scored on each green for anyone who one putts a green. The longest putt can get 4 points, the second longest 3 points, the third longest two points, and the shortest gets one point. Chipping in from off the putting surface scores 5 points. Your captains will have all the finer points worked out.
Remember these details:
Flogem non scamus non shankus
Gentlemen,
I hope all of you have survived the endless winter which looks like it will continue even longer. That being said, your executive committee has been hard at it over the past few months trying to get everything perfected for this year’s Race To the Highly Coveted Green Jacket.
Larry and Bob have rounded up an excellent collection of prizes worthy of the weekly prize basket after each round. The prizes should satisfy even the grumpiest among you. That being said, thanks to those of you who were able to donate to that collection and if there are any more of you who may be able to rob the corporate kitty of more donations, we can never have enough. Remember, we like to have a prize draw at our Tripper Cup event.
Paul, once again has done a magnificent job of scheduling venues with prime times for us this upcoming season even though he will not be around for the first half of the season. We drop Pagoda Ridge and one of our Northlands days and add in a return to Kings Links with its fabulous new clubhouse/restaurant/deck and a return to Swan-e-set Bay. The road trip is a return to The South Thompson Inn at Rivershore. Our first attempt at Talking Rock did not work out as there was a wedding booked on the weekend we needed so no rooms were available so its back to the STI for a second year in a row.
Vic seems to have all the handicaps under control as all of you are registered with MyScorecard or through the BCGA website. Now all of you need to remember to ensure you keep that handicap current by posting your scores after each round you play.
Dale will be in charge of games, groups and captains for each round. He will be attempting to mix things up as much as possible so we all have a chance to play with or against each other during the season. Once again, captains will be assigned each week and they will be in charge of ensuring their groups know the rules of the game that week, collecting the $5 prize money and keeping accurate and legible scorecards for the rounds then turning those scores into our scoring Nazi, Vic. Last year, these jobs were entrusted to only an elite few who could be trusted with the responsibilities of the task. This year, all of you will be eligible to be tasked with this responsibility, except for “Knuckles” Garries who can’t write and “Hoss The Spaceman” Alexander because we are never sure what planet he will be arriving from.
Schedule 2017
April 8 Morgan Creek 10:30
April 22 Northview (Canal) 8:45
May 6 Kingslinks 10:33
May 13 Nothview (Ridge) 10:00
May 27 Swan-e-set 10:36
June 10 Squamish 10:10
June 17 Rivershore TBD
June 18 Rivershore TBD
June 24 Northlands 10:30?
Mark these dates in your calendar. If you can’t make any of the dates, let me know asap so I can attempt to get a spare for you but there are no guarantees. Please keep in mind there are no rainouts so be prepared to play when it is wet. In many cases we have put down a deposit which we would lose unless the golf course itself closes down. So expect to play each week.
TRTTHCGJ (The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket) Rules
As most of you will remember, last year TRTTHCGJ was a mostly moving target and the qualifications kept shifting as the year wore on, mostly because so many of us missed several events. This year, in order to avoid confusion, the requirements will be formalized right here.
Things to Remember for our 2017 Season
We will institute some of the proposed new rules of golf for the upcoming season:
1. Pace of Play
Pace of play is very important to the continued acceptance of our group at local courses so please make sure you keep up with the group who is playing in front of you. Failure to maintain an adequate pace of play will result in sanctions imposed by the executive committee.
2. Lost Balls
All lost balls are to be played as a lateral hazard - that is, don’t hit a provisional just go to the area the ball is lost, look for it briefly (2 minutes) and, failing to find it, drop a ball near where it entered the bush and play from there, incurring a 1 stroke penalty.
3. Balls in a hazard
If you hit a ball into a hazard like a pond, drop a ball close to the point of entry to the hazard - not where it landed - and take a one stroke penalty.
4. Maximum Strokes
While keeping an accurate score is important both for maintaining your correct handicap and for us to award prizes after the round accordingly, pace of play trumps hacking and whacking endlessly. So after you have taken more than 9 strokes on any given hole or you are holding up the rest of the group, pick up your ball and record an 9. If the recording of the 9 means you receive a prize for low net when it really should have been higher, then do the honourable thing as a golfer and lie about your score.
5. Handicaps
No one in this esteemed group shall receive a handicap of greater than 32 - no one shall be deemed to be that shitty. And no one shall receive 2 strokes on any par 3.
6. Sanctions
Sanctions can be suggested to the executive committee for any types of infringements on the rules of golf or the proper behavioural etiquette expected of this esteemed group at any time by anyone within this group. Those suggestions will be reviewed and evaluated by the committee and if deemed appropriate, sanctions will be imposed on the guilty party or parties.
7. Posting
Don’t forget to post all your scores on your handicapping website shortly after completing each round so as to keep accurate and up to date handicaps (and avoid sanctions.)
8. Dropping a ball
Balls may be dropped from any height as long as there is no contact with the ground when the drop is taken.
9. Divots
Balls may be removed from a divot and dropped within 6” of the divot without penalty.
10. Playing from the sand
A drop may be taken from out of the sand in direct line with the hole at a penalty of 2 strokes.
Post Round
Remember, the first group to finish the round is in charge of organizing the tables and the beer for the post round debrief. And for the accountants and non-accountants, there are 20 golfers playing each week. Also, remember when it comes time to pay your share at the end, leave enough for a tip. Beer is more than $2 each now and soda pops are not free. Tips should be 15%. We like to tip well at the end so our hosts will appreciate our coming back. Don’t be cheap!
Arrive early
Remember to arrive at least half an hour before the first scheduled tee time. There are the occasional times when there are screw ups or mix-ups and things need to be re-organized so getting there early helps things out.
See you on the 8th at Morgan Creek!
Flogem non scamus non shankus
Gentlemen,
The time has arrived for us to shake off the rust and let some real competition begin. The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket officially kicks off this Saturday at 10:30 at Morgan Creek. One only hope that it rains considerably less in South Surrey than it does in Deep Cove. And we are scheduled for only a chance of showers on Saturday which is a comparatively good news forecast. Bring your brollies and hope all the rain we have had hasn't increased the rust on your golf swings; although I know many of you have been off to sunnier climes just to prepare for the start of The Race for THCGJ.
Dale has sent out the groupings and the game rules to all the designated captains and they will be responsible for organizing you and making sure you know the rules of the game you are playing. I have made a slight change to the groups that Dale sent out so Captains take note. I did that on authority of the commissioner's office which isn't much but I have to have something.
Brownie and Bob have all the prizes in order and let's hope we have a sanction free day, although Player and Pound have done their utmost to annoy the commissioner even before the season starts. Remember, the first group in has the responsibility to organize seating and post match beverages. Captains have the responsibility to hand in a legible, totalled scorecard to the scoring Nazi, Vic, at the completion of the round.
Here are the groups for Saturday:
Group 1
Madsen
Leigh Sr
Grundy
Sherk
Group 2
Brown
Pound
Player
Mason
Group 3
Walters
Abercrombie
Herd
Burns
Group 4
Lyon
Leigh The Younger
Leigh Jr
Garries
Group 5
Cain
Ostereicher
Davidson
Volpatti
Group 1 looks like the favourite in this competition. With a Scientific salesman, a lawyer, a notary and an accountant, they will have every sneaky advantage figured out. Don't count out group 5, though. They will have all the numbers covered with three accountants. Our only hope may be that Steve Cain's head may spin right off his neck. Count out Group 2 - Brown and Mason will have too big a task trying to keep Player and Pound dry from all the whining they will do. Group 4 is a long shot unless there is a prize for being lost in the bush. That's where these guys look like they belong. And Group 3 is a sleeper especially with Flintstone being elevated to captain. With that kind of positive encouragement for Freddy, he may be able to lead the other poor, lost souls in his group to some positive recognition.
The Game
This week's game is "Olympic." It will be a two man team event with a blind draw for you partner at the end of the round. It is essentially a putting game based on points for one putting and one putting only. Points are scored on each green for anyone who one putts a green. The longest putt can get 4 points, the second longest 3 points, the third longest two points, and the shortest gets one point. Chipping in from off the putting surface scores 5 points. Your captains will have all the finer points worked out.
Remember these details:
- Matches will be played from the White Tees.
- All lost balls are to be played as a lateral hazard - that is, don’t hit a provisional just go to the area the ball is lost, look for it briefly and if not found, drop a ball close to where the ball entered the hazard and play from there, incurring a 1 stroke penalty.
- Balls in a hazard - If you hit a ball into a hazard like a pond, drop a ball close to the point of entry to the hazard - not where it landed – incur a 1 stroke penalty.
- No player shall receive any more than 1 stroke on any par 3
- Lift, clean and place is in effect for todays game
- Pace of play is important
- Closest-to-the-Pin – on holes #8 and #14
- Lowest Individual Net Score – 1st and 2nd
- Booby-Prize – Highest Net Score
- Team Prize – Two-Man ‘Olympic’ Teams (1st & 2nd placed teams)
Flogem non scamus non shankus
Gentlemen,
I hope all of you have survived the endless winter which looks like it will continue even longer. That being said, your executive committee has been hard at it over the past few months trying to get everything perfected for this year’s Race To the Highly Coveted Green Jacket.
Larry and Bob have rounded up an excellent collection of prizes worthy of the weekly prize basket after each round. The prizes should satisfy even the grumpiest among you. That being said, thanks to those of you who were able to donate to that collection and if there are any more of you who may be able to rob the corporate kitty of more donations, we can never have enough. Remember, we like to have a prize draw at our Tripper Cup event.
Paul, once again has done a magnificent job of scheduling venues with prime times for us this upcoming season even though he will not be around for the first half of the season. We drop Pagoda Ridge and one of our Northlands days and add in a return to Kings Links with its fabulous new clubhouse/restaurant/deck and a return to Swan-e-set Bay. The road trip is a return to The South Thompson Inn at Rivershore. Our first attempt at Talking Rock did not work out as there was a wedding booked on the weekend we needed so no rooms were available so its back to the STI for a second year in a row.
Vic seems to have all the handicaps under control as all of you are registered with MyScorecard or through the BCGA website. Now all of you need to remember to ensure you keep that handicap current by posting your scores after each round you play.
Dale will be in charge of games, groups and captains for each round. He will be attempting to mix things up as much as possible so we all have a chance to play with or against each other during the season. Once again, captains will be assigned each week and they will be in charge of ensuring their groups know the rules of the game that week, collecting the $5 prize money and keeping accurate and legible scorecards for the rounds then turning those scores into our scoring Nazi, Vic. Last year, these jobs were entrusted to only an elite few who could be trusted with the responsibilities of the task. This year, all of you will be eligible to be tasked with this responsibility, except for “Knuckles” Garries who can’t write and “Hoss The Spaceman” Alexander because we are never sure what planet he will be arriving from.
Schedule 2017
April 8 Morgan Creek 10:30
April 22 Northview (Canal) 8:45
May 6 Kingslinks 10:33
May 13 Nothview (Ridge) 10:00
May 27 Swan-e-set 10:36
June 10 Squamish 10:10
June 17 Rivershore TBD
June 18 Rivershore TBD
June 24 Northlands 10:30?
Mark these dates in your calendar. If you can’t make any of the dates, let me know asap so I can attempt to get a spare for you but there are no guarantees. Please keep in mind there are no rainouts so be prepared to play when it is wet. In many cases we have put down a deposit which we would lose unless the golf course itself closes down. So expect to play each week.
TRTTHCGJ (The Race To The Highly Coveted Green Jacket) Rules
As most of you will remember, last year TRTTHCGJ was a mostly moving target and the qualifications kept shifting as the year wore on, mostly because so many of us missed several events. This year, in order to avoid confusion, the requirements will be formalized right here.
- Your Green Jacket calculation will consist of 8 scoring rounds - one of which must be the final round Calcutta
- Your Green Jacket score will be the average net score of all your rounds played - including the match play rounds for the Tripper Cup so everything must be holed out even in match play.
- If you have played more than 4 but fewer that 7 non-Calcutta rounds, you will be tallied up to 8 scores by using your worst non-Calcutta score (i.e. you can miss up to 3 non-Calcutta rounds but you will get your worst score counting for two missed games.)This means that in a 9 round season, if you miss 1 round, your score is unaffected. If you miss two games, you get one worst score added to your calculation, if you miss three rounds, then you get two worst scores added into the calculation, if you miss more than three rounds, then you are DQ’d from TRTTHCGJ.
- In the unlikely event of a tie, the player having played the most rounds will be awarded the win. If there is still a tie, then the player with the best gross individual score will be the winner
Things to Remember for our 2017 Season
We will institute some of the proposed new rules of golf for the upcoming season:
1. Pace of Play
Pace of play is very important to the continued acceptance of our group at local courses so please make sure you keep up with the group who is playing in front of you. Failure to maintain an adequate pace of play will result in sanctions imposed by the executive committee.
2. Lost Balls
All lost balls are to be played as a lateral hazard - that is, don’t hit a provisional just go to the area the ball is lost, look for it briefly (2 minutes) and, failing to find it, drop a ball near where it entered the bush and play from there, incurring a 1 stroke penalty.
3. Balls in a hazard
If you hit a ball into a hazard like a pond, drop a ball close to the point of entry to the hazard - not where it landed - and take a one stroke penalty.
4. Maximum Strokes
While keeping an accurate score is important both for maintaining your correct handicap and for us to award prizes after the round accordingly, pace of play trumps hacking and whacking endlessly. So after you have taken more than 9 strokes on any given hole or you are holding up the rest of the group, pick up your ball and record an 9. If the recording of the 9 means you receive a prize for low net when it really should have been higher, then do the honourable thing as a golfer and lie about your score.
5. Handicaps
No one in this esteemed group shall receive a handicap of greater than 32 - no one shall be deemed to be that shitty. And no one shall receive 2 strokes on any par 3.
6. Sanctions
Sanctions can be suggested to the executive committee for any types of infringements on the rules of golf or the proper behavioural etiquette expected of this esteemed group at any time by anyone within this group. Those suggestions will be reviewed and evaluated by the committee and if deemed appropriate, sanctions will be imposed on the guilty party or parties.
7. Posting
Don’t forget to post all your scores on your handicapping website shortly after completing each round so as to keep accurate and up to date handicaps (and avoid sanctions.)
8. Dropping a ball
Balls may be dropped from any height as long as there is no contact with the ground when the drop is taken.
9. Divots
Balls may be removed from a divot and dropped within 6” of the divot without penalty.
10. Playing from the sand
A drop may be taken from out of the sand in direct line with the hole at a penalty of 2 strokes.
Post Round
Remember, the first group to finish the round is in charge of organizing the tables and the beer for the post round debrief. And for the accountants and non-accountants, there are 20 golfers playing each week. Also, remember when it comes time to pay your share at the end, leave enough for a tip. Beer is more than $2 each now and soda pops are not free. Tips should be 15%. We like to tip well at the end so our hosts will appreciate our coming back. Don’t be cheap!
Arrive early
Remember to arrive at least half an hour before the first scheduled tee time. There are the occasional times when there are screw ups or mix-ups and things need to be re-organized so getting there early helps things out.
See you on the 8th at Morgan Creek!
Flogem non scamus non shankus